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First Date Questions for 2013: To Flirt or Not To Flirt – 6 Tips For the How and Why of Modern Flirting.

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One of the more provocative first date questions refers to flirting: Is it still okay to flirt?

Experts extoll the essential necessity of  flirting. Many of us like to flirt on occasion — with friends, co-workers or passing acquaintances. However, when you are looking to form, or are in a committed relationship, flirting can be more complicated and fraught with unexpected consequences. What constitutes acceptable flirting depends not only on your intentions but also on how your prospective partner might feel about it.

A related question is how might you tell a person is flirting versus just being friendly. It isn’t easy, nevertheless, it is the uncertainty of it that makes it exciting. Flirting can be defined as ambiguous behavior with potential sexual or romantic overtones that are goal oriented. In other words we flirt with a purpose, but because we’re testing the waters,  we don’t let on what that purpose might be.

Flirting is a way of letting another person know that you are interested

Flirting is a fun way of letting another person know that you are interested in them.

Most of us know flirting when we see it, though. It may be verbal, in the form of compliments bantering or teasing;  it can be smile, steady gaze a toss of the hair or a hand on the arm.

And of course it can be an e-mail or text with all those  smiley :-) winky ;-) faces. You can thank evolution for all of it, including the cheesy one-liners, e.g. “going my way?” Scientists say that flirting developed to further the human race by helping males to find a mate, and females to evaluate a potential partner and his commitment before moving forward.

 

Research shows people flirt with one of no fewer than six different reasons. Some people are still looking for a mate of course. But we  also like to flirt because we enjoy it. This  kind of flirting is a kind of back-and-forth tennis game: It’s fun and we do it together so to build our relationship.

Early flirting allows one to explore what a romantic relationship with another person might be like.  Or we want to reinforce or  increase intimacy in a relationship we are already in. Alternatively, we may want to boost self-esteem, whether it’s our own or the other person’s. And some of us flirt just to get what we want – a dark art that is often referred to as “instrumental flirting”.

Sometimes flirting is used as a way of getting what one wants.

Sometimes flirting is used as a way of getting what one wants.

Flirting with a partner or spouse can help keep a relationship healthy. Such partners flirt with each other to minimize conflict and communicate as if in their own private world. In addition, it has been found that partners who flirt with each other are more satisfied and committed to each other.

When flirting outside a relationship, however, it’s easy to misread cues. A recent meta-analysis of 15 studies found that men often overestimate the females interest and interpret flirtatious behavior as more sexual than intended. Flirting differences between the sexes revealed that when women flirted in a sexy suggestive way men found then more attractive. But men who flirt this way are seen as pushy and less attractive.

 

 

Flirting with a colleague may not be in your best interests.

Flirting with a colleague may not be in your best interests.

It’s possible to flirt without getting in trouble. Here are some guidelines:

(1) When flirting quickly try to assess the other person’s goals. Are you interested or uninterested in real romance? If the latter then don’t flirt with someone you know is looking for relationship.  Bad flirting is intentional miscommunication.

(2) If the banter is heading in a direction that makes you uncomfortable, then stop. Pretend you were just being friendly. But if you have offended the other person, apologize.

(3) Don’t keep secrets from your partner, if you think your significant other would be appalled if he or she could overhear the conversation, then dial it back.

(4) Don’t flirt to make your partner jealous. This is manipulative behavior and it can push a partner further away. Plus you could hurt the person you’re flirting with.

(5) When there is a power difference, such as between a boss and underling, or teacher and student, flirting usually leads to trouble, as many defendants in sexual harassment complaints can confirm.

(6) Think twice before making physical contact with the person you’re flirting with. Putting your hand on your date’s arm maybe a good idea. Doing this with a work colleague probably isn’t.

Happy flirting; successful dating.

In the meantime, check out this fun, frivolous, flirtatious little video thing…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko44vu7Zkbc

 


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